..."Test me in this," says the LORD Almighty, "and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that you will not have room enough for it." ~ Malachai 3:10
Weighing heavy on my heart are so many things that I can't even sort out the root of the heaviness. It's frustrating and I'm angry with myself for "letting" myself BE heavy.
It's silly, really, but the last several days I have struggled with....I don't know what. Just struggled. The wedding is 47 days away. The planning is nearly done. It's coming together and we are all so excited.
Maybe I'm worried about what I bring to the table. Ok. Not maybe. I AM worried about what I bring to the table.
I know, I know. God has blessed me with more than I ever asked for and now I am questioning His plan. Questioning why and what He's got going on. Questioning my ability to do as He asks and press forward.
I. HATE. CHANGE. Hate is a very strong word and I don't use it very often but I do hate change. Throws my whole self talk off. Shuts down my listening to God.
As if I have my fingers in my ears while singing "LA-LA-LA-LA!!!!"
I WANT all the change that is coming. I WANT it....seriously. But the idea of it....the anticipation....make me NUTS.
So....how does one BEG (seriously) God to open the windows of heaven and pour out His blessing then want to walk over and close that window just a little because the blessing is too much to handle?!?!?
I don't know the answer to that. All I know is that I need to stop STANDING here and move. Just move. NOT let my brain settle on my inadequacies and instead settle on my strengths. One foot in front of the other and accept the direction that God is so nicely shoving me. I have a GREAT man, wonderful kids, a job that pays the bills, a DREAM of a business and the support of the One and Only. But all I can focus on is how on earth I'M going to get it all done and do it well.
BAM!! There's my answer! I'M not going to do anything. I've completely forgotten Who is my strength and my rock. I've forgotten Who can get me through and love me enough to pick me back up and get me going again WHEN (NOT IF) I trip and fall, fail or make a mistake.
** sigh **
So here is what I'm gonna do. Shake out the cobwebs, seek God with all that I have and breathe in, breathe out and MOVE.