Grip....

Fear. It has a strong grip on my heart right now.

And. I. Don't. Like. It.

This post is gonna be messy, people. Consider yourself forewarned.

I'm scared. Out of my mind.

Why?

TOMORROW. Tomorrow is my very first art fair. I signed up for one last November. Paid some good money to get in. Panicked and backed out. Didn't get my money back either. Why did I back out? Because I'm a freakin' CHICKEN, that's why.

FAILURE.

I fear it. Just writing that word freaks me out. I cannot fail. Yet I have many times and yet I still get out of bed in the morning and the world still turns. So WHY do I still fear failure so much when I've never keeled over dead from it before????

That's the question of the day, my friends.

I KNOW that God has a plan for this. I know it because HE opened this door.

I got an email from a friend a month or so ago. She is really one of my biggest cheerleaders. Email said that her church was having its second annual art fest at a local park on August 1st. She thought I should get my stuff together and DO IT. I said YEAH!!!! Knowing how I retreat at the first sign of pressure, I still did it.

Got some info from the event planners. Free to vendors. Hallelujah ('cuz I'm cheap). Send in a check for $75 to secure a spot. They won't cash the check....but return it when I check in. Again, hallelujah. All you need, Ms. Vendor, is a tent and your own tables. Cool. I can buy that stuff. But I couldn't. Decided that I didn't really want to make that purchase and then have a bomber show and lose money on the deal. The next day, I get an email from the event planners: THEY WILL PROVIDE TENTS FOR THE VENDORS WHO NEED THEM. DON'T WANT ANYONE TO NOT PARTICIPATE BECAUSE OF THAT.

Crap.

God sent that email. He knew what I was doing and He eliminated my excuse.

So.....I'm back in. I purchase what I need to put together matted photos. Decide on pricing. Gather tables, table coverings, display items, purchase a banner, make a list, then another list, and quite possibly a third list...because, ya know....I'm a list maker.

I'm all set. But for a few minor details, I have everything I need.

EXCEPT MY CONFIDENCE.

It's lost. Gone. Out the window. Run away like a speeding train in the night.

I read yesterday a quote that I am pretty sure God put in front of me.....Only thing He forgot to do was put this quote in flashing, neon letters. I'm just sayin'....

“Never doubt in the dark what God told you in the light.” ~ Raymond Edman

I know. I'm doing exactly that. Doubting God's promise to me. Shame on me, I know.

I've told myself a thousand and one times yesterday and today....If I fail and sell nothing tomorrow it's because God has a lesson in there for me. FIND IT and work it out. If I'm successful and selling everything, it's because God has a lesson in that for me too. FIND IT and work it out.

**sigh**

So as you look through the pictures below of what I'm planning to give way to any sucker who walks by I'm selling, pray for me please. Pray that God reminds me of His purpose for me and that I rest in knowing He has this all worked out ahead of me. Thanks, peeps. You all da bomb.

Processing....

The list of things I'm processing today:

** Photos from a 4 year old's birthday party....

** Why some times we can hear and feel God and other times it's as if He has completely disappeared....

** What to take to my first Art Fair this weekend....oh....and how much to sell my photos for and how to get people to come to MY booth and what shoes to wear that day and....(I could really go on forever on this one but I'll spare you. You're welcome. :0))

** Why a lesson has to be learned multiple times....and the HARD way EVERY TIME....

** Why the clock is ticking so very slooooowwwwly today....

** How blessed I am with three healthy girls and others are dealing with life threatening health situations for their own children....here and here....

** How, as I type this, I can't really think about anything else other than the Heath bar my office neighbor was just talking about....seriously....

It's all in a days work for me, ya know....my mind races like a NASCAR driver speeding around a race track (why is that fun to watch by the way? A car? Driving in circles? Really?)....

I'm bored. I have A TON going on but none of it happening today or even really needing my racing mind's attention today, but yet I can't stop thinking about it. So much going on....so many things to get done and plan for and work out and sell and book and market and create and dream about and prepare for and purchase and lift up and love on and scream about and search for and....

I wear myself out....I just do.

On an entirely different note, Mark's 94 year old grandma died over the weekend. The funeral is Thursday. He is sad, but....happy. He's worried about his mother (who is gravely ill by the way) and how she is handling the news of her mother passing. But through all the stress of working full time, having a business on the side, raising his daughter, ME, getting married, moving and selling his home, combining households and on and on, his response when I asked how he was doing was this:

God says to REJOICE in ALL things....so I am. She has her mind back, her health is perfect and she is with Jesus.

Now how's that for being faithful?!

I will add to my processing list above how on earth I got so lucky as to land a man like my Marky.

What an ENTRANCE!!!

So I know this is all over the web right now but what perfect timing....what with my wedding to my Knight in Shining Armor only a mere 36 days away!!! We are getting married outside at a covered bridge....an entrance like this would be SOOO cool. Pretty sure I'd be laughing so hard I'd be crying though!!!

Enjoy!!!

HAPPY BLOGIVERSARY....TO ME!!!

TODAY IS MY 1 YEAR BLOGIVERSARY!!!

And yeah....it's kind of a big deal.

I started this blog to promote and/or talk about my photography business. It turned in to waaaayyy more than that. For me, anyway.

July 17, 2008 I wrote my first post. And I am NOT a writer. I'm just not. I don't mind it if it's just for fun and no pressure. Make me read a book and do a book report? Ain't happenin'. I sooo do not miss high school english class.

So when I got the idea to start a blog I really thought I'd stick with it for a few weeks and then it would fall to the end of my priority list. Another project started with good intentions, but died a quick, sudden death.

Ya see....I'm a quitter....with ADD.

Double whammy, if ya ask me. It's a curse but it's my curse. I get bored easily. When things get tough or boring, I'm gone. First one to the door when the heat is on. Running full tilt at the first sign of pressure.

You get my point.

But as I look back over the past year, I see many changes. In me, in the way I view the world, in the way I see YOU. This blog has been the most therapeutic thing I've ever done.

I've changed.

Not because of this blog, but because what God has done to me through this blog.

God has restored my broken soul, strengthened my faith, opened the windows of heaven and blessed me to overflow, held me in very dark times and shown me who He created me to be. I'm a work in progress, but my motto has become this: So long as I have forward progress, even baby steps, I have progress none the less.

To God be the glory.

So with that, I THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart for reading. For stopping by once in a while, sometimes commenting and sometimes not. Your comments have often times been the affirmations that I needed to move forward. Your support....both spoken and unspoken....has been like the arms of Jesus holding me close just when I needed it most.

So here's to many more years of progress, many more years of fun and photography. May God continue to mold me and shape me and remind me who I am. HE IS GOOD. ALL THE TIME.

My life verse: "I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me!" ~ Philippians 4:13

Babies....

Who doesn't love them? Even if you don't have one or want one, you gotta admit they are hard to resist when you see one.

In the last week, I have had the pleasure of shooting two newborns still in the hospital. LUCKY ME. I have three of my own. I've been that exhausted mom with no clue what lies ahead. It's nice to not be THAT mom but instead be the one who gets to ooohhhh and aaahhhh then walk away. I'm just sayin'. I LOVE MY SLEEP! :0)

So below are the highlights of the two cutest boys this side of the Mississippi...oh...and not related to me (I have nephews, people....can't say these guys are cutier than them!). :0)

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"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations." ~ Jeremiah 1:5

Like an old friend....

There they are. Like an old friend you ran into after so long being apart and when you start talking it's like no time has passed. That's what my running shoes are to me. It was the middle of March when I last put them on and ran. I was training pretty hard at that time, but needed to stop when I did the 40 day fast with Mark. Thinking I would just pick right up where I left off after the fast....I was wrong. Life happened. Running was not a priority anymore. Dr. Pepper and Zingers moved to the top of the list.

The fat bastard (aka Satan) created Dr. Pepper and Zingers....I'm 99.9% sure of that. Oh, do I love me some DP and Zingers. In fact, I could eat....

I digress....DP and Zingers are another post....back to why I'm here....

Every day I would tell myself...."Tomorrow. Tomorrow I'll get back to it."

Tomorrow has finally come. TODAY.

Tonight I went looking for my running shoes. Grabbed my daughter's IPOD (note to self....time to buy my own). Drove the mile and a half to the trail. Tied my key to my shoe string.

And ran.

Ran until my wind was gone and my legs were shaking. Walked until I could do it again.

I talked to God while on the trail. Just like old times. Another old friend who after some time away you can just pick right up where you left off....without even missing a beat.

I've missed Him....and my running shoes.

But like an old friend, He is there when you need Him. All you gotta do is LOOK.

So now that my run is done, I'm gonna hit the shower then open my Bible and find my old friend again. We have some catching up to do. Well...I do anyway. He knows what I've been up to!

My prayer for you? That you will seek God tonight. Like a long lost friend who knows you and loves you no matter who you are, no matter where you're at on the trail. He will be there....waiting to answer you.

"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened." ~ Matthew 7:7-8

MOVE....

..."Test me in this," says the LORD Almighty, "and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that you will not have room enough for it." ~ Malachai 3:10

Weighing heavy on my heart are so many things that I can't even sort out the root of the heaviness. It's frustrating and I'm angry with myself for "letting" myself BE heavy.

It's silly, really, but the last several days I have struggled with....I don't know what. Just struggled. The wedding is 47 days away. The planning is nearly done. It's coming together and we are all so excited.

Maybe I'm worried about what I bring to the table. Ok. Not maybe. I AM worried about what I bring to the table.

I know, I know. God has blessed me with more than I ever asked for and now I am questioning His plan. Questioning why and what He's got going on. Questioning my ability to do as He asks and press forward.

I. HATE. CHANGE. Hate is a very strong word and I don't use it very often but I do hate change. Throws my whole self talk off. Shuts down my listening to God.

As if I have my fingers in my ears while singing "LA-LA-LA-LA!!!!"

I WANT all the change that is coming. I WANT it....seriously. But the idea of it....the anticipation....make me NUTS.

So....how does one BEG (seriously) God to open the windows of heaven and pour out His blessing then want to walk over and close that window just a little because the blessing is too much to handle?!?!?

I don't know the answer to that. All I know is that I need to stop STANDING here and move. Just move. NOT let my brain settle on my inadequacies and instead settle on my strengths. One foot in front of the other and accept the direction that God is so nicely shoving me. I have a GREAT man, wonderful kids, a job that pays the bills, a DREAM of a business and the support of the One and Only. But all I can focus on is how on earth I'M going to get it all done and do it well.

BAM!! There's my answer! I'M not going to do anything. I've completely forgotten Who is my strength and my rock. I've forgotten Who can get me through and love me enough to pick me back up and get me going again WHEN (NOT IF) I trip and fall, fail or make a mistake.

** sigh **

So here is what I'm gonna do. Shake out the cobwebs, seek God with all that I have and breathe in, breathe out and MOVE.

You're gonna miss this.....

...and I am. Really.

We had a great time Friday night at the liver (remember - lake + river = liver). It's so rare that all 6 of us are in the same place at the same time. With so much going on it's hard to find a time when we all can do something together. Not to mention doing something that we all like!

Turns out we all like the beach. (And does God put the right people together or what?! Woot! Woot!)

So below are some of my favorite pictures from the beach on Friday. I'm gonna miss this. Before we know it half of our children will be out of the house. The other half will be grown up enough (ok, ok....we won't be COOL enough) and will be off with friends more often than not. I'm gonna treasure these times together. I'm gonna thank God for the time we do have and not be too worried that it's going too fast....even though it is.

FUNNY picture....we had a blast getting this to work!

Alli...what a nut.

Taylor.... :0)

Carli....she had the most fun doing this....

Marky Mark & the Funky Bunch....

Purty ladies all in a row....

Taylor hiding in the grass....

Alli & Carli....twins born 7 years apart. :0)

Sweet Sarah....

Ok....for an explanation. Mark said he could do a cartwheel. I didn't believe him. I was WRONG.

The landing wasn't pretty but he did one none the less. Kudos to him. :0)

Meet Sarita & Wade.....

Never have I had an easier photo shoot.

Never.

Sarita and Wade were awesome....naturals, I tell ya. We had so much fun and it only took 45 minutes.

They met in college. They are in love. They are getting married in Pennsylvania in October.

And.....they are adorable. I'm totally just sayin'.

Sarita attempting to give Wade a piggy back....he's heavier than she thought. :0)

She said, "should we look down and point?" And when they did, along came some baby geese. Couldn't have planned that better myself.

I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE the way Wade is looking at her. sigh.

Caption to this one should be "WOOT! WOOT! WE'RE GETTIN' MARRIED!"

Thanks to Wade and Sarita for giving me some of their time. I needed them for a church brochure I am working on and offered them some engagement photos at no charge for their time. Turns out it was the most fun I've had in a long time.

May God bless you both beyond measure and may you ALWAYS look at each other the way you do now.