It's been 4 weeks since the start of the fast. I cheat once in a while....only because I can, in my head, come up with 1,001 reasons why God would be ok with me eating this little thing or that little thing. BUT....in my defense....I have done far better than I ever expected, learned more about myself than I ever wanted to learn and overall it's been worth the effort to date.
So counting today, only 12 days left. Not sure how I will feel when this is over or how I will proceed in the future.
The only real thing I know 'fo sho'.....the fat bastard (FB) is working overtime.
I guessed he would be. I guessed he would do everything in his power to make me slip. Never before have I seen the war that he rages so closely nor have I ever paid attention so intently. Part of me wants to go back to the "good old days" when I had no clue about what was happening and just blamed bad days and yucky circumstances to life being a big pile of pooh.
That's right. I said it. A big pile of pooh.
But that's a cop-out. That's taking the easy way out, I guess. I get to stand here and fight for what I KNOW is right and what I KNOW to be true.
BUT. I. DON'T. WANNA. (picture me throwing myself on the ground like a three year old having a temper tantrum here.....'cuz that's what this is).
I wanna do my OWN thing! I wanna have fun and enjoy my life and do the things that make ME happy! (YES....I have strayed from the fasting topic and made off on a rather large tangent here...).
What are my "own things" you ask? Things that are for my happiness and not God's. That's all you are getting.
I know. I know. It's about spiritual growth and taking a leap of faith and believing God for the things He says are ahead. But I'm so not a patient person.
I know. I know. It's now that I need seek God wholeheartedly to receive His patience and His guidance.
Ever have a fight with yourself....one you KNOW you are not gonna win but you are too stubborn to even back down....from yourself? Yeah. That is crazy but that is what I'm doing. I'll get it worked out but until then I just felt like whining in this moment of weakness I am having.....'cuz it's my blog and I can.
JC REALLY IS MY BFF.....I don't just say that. God asks us to be honest with Him and share how we really feel. He already knows and He already understands, but like a real best friend we need to put it out on the table honestly, discuss it with Him and move on. And that's what I'm doing.
2 comments:
I've fasted before, and it seems like the middle is the worst. In the beginning, you're psyched. Near the end, you know that it's almost over. But in the middle? Yuck.
But you're hanging in there, and that's all that matters. You'll be changed at the end of this. My prediction.
Ditto.
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