Reflection....

"As water reflects a face, so a man's heart reflects the man." ~ Proverbs 27:19

I've said it 1,000+ times. I am NOT who I used to be.

It's crazy actually....thinking back to the old days. I really don't know that person anymore. I was angry. At the world. At God. At the family I trusted that hurt me. At LIFE.

Just. Plain. Angry.

The kind of angry when you see red. If you've ever been that angry you know exactly what I'm talking about. It's the kind of anger that makes your blood boil, your skin crawl, your heart burst and your words flow out of you so full of venom. And this happened on a DAILY basis for me.

I know. It's a wonder that I had a husband and friends and family who loved me anyway.

I lost so much because of that anger. I lost a marriage that we gave up on (for more reasons than just my anger but it did play a big part). I lost TIME. Time to live life to the fullest.

I kept everyone and everything at least two arms length away. The wall around my heart was so huge I could not see over the top. In looking back I see the changes that have been made. I see a hard, black heart being busted into a billion little pieces and what is left showing is soft and full of joy. I see gritting teeth turned to a relaxed jaw. I see God's hand on my head as I sit on my knees and surrender.

How does that happen? Honestly, I have no words to describe it fully. All I know is I got TIRED of looking in the mirror and seeing the hatred in my eyes.....which showed the true hatred I held in my heart. The only thing I truly loved were my girls....and even that was not to the best of my ability.

Then God showed up.

Ok, ok.....relax. He had been there all the time, I just chose not to SEE Him.

I remember being disappointed that when Jesus knocked and I finally answered the door to my heart to let Him in I didn't hear the angels singing and no big light from heaven was shining down on me! HELLO!!!! That's how it happens in the movies so I thought I was doing it wrong. Seriously. I remember thinking where IS He? I remember praying the prayer of salvation at least 100 times waiting on God to show up. I'm pretty sure He was rolling His eyes at me laughing at what I was doing (that is one of the questions I want to ask Him when I get to see His face, by the way). I remember also wondering why I was still hurting and angry and frustrated. I incorrectly believed that everything should be "better" now.

Now I see that He truly was there.....ALL ALONG. The change started taking place when I finally got off my bum and MOVED. It's not an overnight transition. It's not immediate. But it is GOD DIRECTED. I needed to roll up my sleeves and deal with first things first. I needed to LET Him work. I needed to LET GO. And when I did.....WOAH. It was a very crazy ride.

It's been a long and bumpy road, but boy, would I NOT change a thing. I have learned so much and I finally now get to see the fruits of that very hard, heart wrenching, painful labor.

The seeds that have been sown are blooming. Now it's time to maintain and grow by weeding, pruning and watering, following His direction.

I'm not who I'm supposed to be YET but THANK GOD I am not who I was.