How can you be great at something, but then be so terribly, horrible at it all at the same time?
I don't know how that can possibly be the truth, but it is.
I can't really tell you what I'm great at and horrible at all at the same time, because it's just something I can't share right now. All I can really say is that it is a result of envy. Green, ugly envy. And I can tell you that it stinks. I wear it like a prized, expensive, beautiful leather coat....thinking it looks so good on me and I'm entitled to it because of all I've been through, but if I looked in the mirror....God's mirror....it would make me look fat and homeless, this ratted old coat of envy. Dirty, ugly and miserable.
And that's what sucks the most. The fact that I KNOW better. The fact that I KNOW what it is and can name it. I just don't WANT to.
I have so much to say, so much that NEEDS said, but I can't find the words. I'M THE ADULT! I need to act like one, but for cryin' out loud, I can't seem to do it. I'm just so full of contradictions and confusion over this mess. I fight with myself on a regular basis because my thoughts go 8,000 miles an hour and I can talk myself in and out of the truth about the situation and the right thing to do on a fairly regular basis. It ain't pretty....and it's stinkin' exhausting.
So instead of dealing with my "great/horrible-ness" I've turned it off. Not dealing with it. Put up a wall and pretend like nothing is up....and festering in anger and resentment at the same time. Have I given this to Jesus, put it at the foot of the Cross, you ask? Only about 75 times...TODAY. I just keep picking it back up and carrying it around like I'd die without it. I won't, though. I'd actually LIVE if I let it go.
I'll shed this nasty coat of envy soon and when I do I'll share the great lesson I'm positive God is trying to teach me.
But until then, it's keeping me warm.