Thursday, March 25, 2010

How can that be?

How can you be great at something, but then be so terribly, horrible at it all at the same time?

I don't know how that can possibly be the truth, but it is.

I can't really tell you what I'm great at and horrible at all at the same time, because it's just something I can't share right now. All I can really say is that it is a result of envy. Green, ugly envy. And I can tell you that it stinks. I wear it like a prized, expensive, beautiful leather coat....thinking it looks so good on me and I'm entitled to it because of all I've been through, but if I looked in the mirror....God's would make me look fat and homeless, this ratted old coat of envy. Dirty, ugly and miserable.

And that's what sucks the most. The fact that I KNOW better. The fact that I KNOW what it is and can name it. I just don't WANT to.

I have so much to say, so much that NEEDS said, but I can't find the words. I'M THE ADULT! I need to act like one, but for cryin' out loud, I can't seem to do it. I'm just so full of contradictions and confusion over this mess. I fight with myself on a regular basis because my thoughts go 8,000 miles an hour and I can talk myself in and out of the truth about the situation and the right thing to do on a fairly regular basis. It ain't pretty....and it's stinkin' exhausting.

So instead of dealing with my "great/horrible-ness" I've turned it off. Not dealing with it. Put up a wall and pretend like nothing is up....and festering in anger and resentment at the same time. Have I given this to Jesus, put it at the foot of the Cross, you ask? Only about 75 times...TODAY. I just keep picking it back up and carrying it around like I'd die without it. I won't, though. I'd actually LIVE if I let it go.

I'll shed this nasty coat of envy soon and when I do I'll share the great lesson I'm positive God is trying to teach me.

But until then, it's keeping me warm.

1 comment:

Frisbies Forever said...

I should have read this earlier. I need to pass it on. How did I miss this???