This is my 100th post since I started this blog last summer. Huh. Just thought I'd share that. Hope it ends up being worth the read.
I'm a grump today. I'm tired....although I should not be. I seriously slept nearly 12 hours last night....on and off up for brief moments (texting Mark, letting the dog out, etc.) but I was in my bed for 12 hours. I got up for an hour or so and then went back to bed again....for another couple of hours. I should NOT be tired.
But I am.
Sleep for me is a great way to avoid. Avoid the world. Avoid worry.
Until just now, I had truly no honest clue what I was avoiding. I'm avoiding facing the truth about why I have a need to worry today, that's for sure. It's silly, really, but....it is what it is.
You see....Mark is on his way back from Kansas City. In the snow. A pretty good storm from the looks of the radar. It's about a 3 hour drive on a good day. And while I know he will be fine, my mind cannot help but run immediately to all the "what if's"....and it's exhausting.
What if they are in an accident?
What if they get stranded?
What if....???
Ugh.
It wears me out and I dislike that I do this very much. I know he will be fine, but I already told God, in no uncertain terms, how mad at Him I will be if anything happens to Mark.
And there it is....my need to make sure God knows Mark is MINE and not His to take. Jeez. Look at that complete lack of faith. As I search for the real reason I'm twisting my hands in worry about Mark's fate, it hits me.
Every man I've ever given my heart to has either walked away, hurt me or otherwise been taken from me.
I'm struggling with God's grip. Is He holding Mark tight enough? Is He holding me tight enough? Am I slipping through His fingers? Sometimes I feel like I am barely hanging on to His finger, dangling and God is watching me struggle to get back in His palm. I feel like He is just sitting there and watching.
DO SOMETHING, PLEASE, GOD! Get me back where it's safe in Your palm! What are you waiting for? Why do I dangle here, perilously close to letting go? What do You want from me????????
{Large smack upside the head....}
He wants me to REST. I get to choose if I dangle from His fingers or rest in His palm. My thoughts determine where I sit. He wants me safe in His palm but I'm thinking He can't handle the people I love most in the world. I don't trust Him enough to stay there. I don't trust Him enough to take care of those precious people.
Ouch.
I don't know what next. I don't know how to stop this worry and fear that makes me dangle instead of rest in His palm. All I know is I have to.
I'm asking God for His guidance on this. As soon as I figure it out, I'll let you know. But for now, I'm going back to bed. (JUST KIDDING....)
"In the day of my trouble I will call to you, for you will answer me." ~ Psalm 86:7
"I cast the whole of my care [all my anxieties, all my worries, all my concerns, once and for all] on Him, for He cares for me affectionately and cares about me watchfully." ~ 1 Peter 5:7
